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7/12/13 03:07 pm - lakjsdfla'jslfajfsldkj


Do you have any idea how difficult it has been to get back into lj? I forgot my password, so I did the typical "forgot password" link which sent an email to my address, but I had let ooooner.com lapse (it had expired by, seriously, two days) and the address I had on file here was on the ooooner.com domain!!!!! And I hadn't set a security question either so I was up shits creek.

Obviously since I'm here writing you I re-registered ooooner.com, pointed the domain back to my hosting servers, and have never been so happy in my life to see a "Lost Password" email in my inbox.

I'm back in ladies and gents!! I know many of you have un-friended (de-friended?) and I understand why. But I am happy to those of you who have stuck around. It's been a rough few months. Hell, it's been a rough few years.

Living back in the south with all the fried food and sweet tea, let alone the fact of trying to stay sober, on and off the wagon constantly, I've gained 40lbs. Can you believe it? ME? Forty. Pounds.

I'm turning 30 next month (though technically I'm going to continue to turn 29 until I get married... hopefully that'll only take another birthday or two the way things are going with the bf, he's a gem) and I want to get in shape. So, I'm going to start writing here again every so often about my progress.

Boy, has lj changed since I've been on it! That just goes to show you it's been too long, my friends. Too long.

I <3 and miss you all.

8/4/11 04:01 am

i just realized i have neglected to mention that i was in NYC visiting the bf on Amy Winehouse's death, and since then i've returned to NC, studied like crazy to pass a technical phone interview for an Exchange position, land an in-person interview on Microsoft Way in Charlotte as well as another interview the following week for a gig supporting a P&L reporting application that i worked with at my previous job, and just returned from Vero Beach, FL where i hung out with my first cousin, Michael, and was able to see my roommate from rehab who was in town seeing her sister and nephew.

WHEW. talk about a run on sentence and the quickest summary of life's happenings i could muster.

right around the time i tried to post something substantial, lj got slammed with the DDoS attack and i simply gave up coming 'round these parts until the site was stable again.

so, hello. i'm back.

today i spent a good five hours shopping for new business casual clothes as well as a nice outfit to wear for this interview Friday at 10am. oh my goodness i am seriously TERRIFIED. the job isn't over my head in the sense that i am incapable of performing the work well; it's just that i am very rusty on a lot of the topics i'm being grilled on and i have had to teach myself some of it from scratch. i didn't ace the phone interview by any means but i did get enough questions right that i proved i have potential. they do provide a month or so of training once you're hired so they don't expect you to know EVERYTHING right off the bat, but the foundation needs to be there. and i'm afraid of getting my ass handed to me at the interview, blushing, trembling, unable to maintain my poise when i screw up.

i really do not think i would be so nervous had i not really want the job. it is tier 3 support for MS Exchange. that is Microsoft's email platform and the skills involved to troubleshoot the damn thing ain't nothin' to shake a stick at. you are RESPECTED in the industry having had a job like this. not to mention i would definitely maintain my NYC salary if not be offered something more, and my work week would be four days... four ten hour shifts and a three day weekend. um, YES PLEASE.

i'm trying not to get ahead of myself but, oh look at the time. can't sleep. anxiety ridden. this Thursday i will be doing nothing but study study study. i need prayers/meditations/whathaveyou.

and my birthday is this Saturday. 28 i will be. wow.

7/24/11 11:49 am

Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.
- Warren Buffet

7/23/11 08:02 pm

Amy Winehouse found dead today.

It's not just my pride
It's just 'til these tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'

She was a 27 year old addict, just like me.

Rest now, sweet girl.

7/19/11 07:23 pm - self analysises

i really like my new black, plastic Calvin Klein glasses that i picked up this past Friday. whenever i next have the wherewithal to put on make-up, i will have to remember to snap a picture.

my schedule has been turned upside-down this week! what happened was, i had a bit of a freak out the previous week, realizing i really wanted my own place for myself and Whiskey. and then i flipped again because i thought, "WELL... fuck. To get my own place I need $$$$$$. And this NY unemployment BS ain't doing the trick." Which took my train of thought immediately to, "GODDAMNIT, I need a job."

long story short, i posted my resume on several job/career search sites, and my phone has been ringing off the hook with recruiters contacting me with various relevant positions. even though i am not looking in the NYC market, i want to at the very least maintain my previous salary and i would prefer if it went up $5,000 actually. what i'm not going to get down here in North Carolina, or anywhere for that matter, is anything close to type of bonuses i was receiving as additional income, which is exactly why i have no intention of lowering my salary expectation despite a different standard of living. and you know, i've had a heck of a lot of interest; already had several phone interviews, and i'm sure i've locked down at least one face-to-face interview off those.

most employers do the phone-interview-first now to weed out the riffraff ever since the economy tanked at the end of '08 with Lehman Brothers and just kept spiraling out of control... i remember walking by Bear Stearns every day to get to work at my hedge fund, and once the buyout took place, it didn't take the powers that be long to switch out the "Bear Stearns" letters around the building for "J.P. Morgan". i mean, i literally saw them taking the letters off and putting the new logo on. jesus christ was that a symbolic moment for me on that morning commute: i was already scared what was going to happen just with the economy in general, let alone my income and ultimately my career. all my company layoffs started around then and i was not only fearing for my personal employment, but having to disable the accounts of all my colleagues getting laid off, a good chunk of them my friends, and not being able to give them a heads-up about it. talk about a mental and emotional mind fuck. living in fear and with knowledge like that is so extremely debilitating.

if you haven't seen Too Big to Fail, you should. i couldn't believe how accurately the movie betrayed how everyone was thinking and feeling at the time who were involved somehow in the Finance industry. i literally would walk into our shared IT office and say, "well, how many points to do you think the stock market will fall today?" and over and over that answer was 200, 500, 800, 400 again and again. it just became unreal. it was nuts. and seeing the traders' faces and my friends in the hedged equities finance/accounting group whisper to me "we lost $80,000 in ONE DAY." going from what you thought was a fantastic, stable job to have it crumbling under you was, gosh, a hard one to swallow and really just terrifying.

ultimately i was kept on under contract to basically dismantle the data center and shut off the lights at Satellite Asset Management, and while that bought me a good two and a half years of income, it was not a role in which i could feel nurtured and grow to bigger and better things. we had no money to spend anymore... and without that, you simply cannot progress in the field of IT. everything is constantly changing and without the cash to upgrade or implement new things, all you have left to focus on is ending contracts prematurely, redoing the inventory lists as we tried to sell all the unused equipment, and continuing to support old platforms, keeping my IT experience stuck in the past. when it all finally ended, i was so incredibly RELIEVED, and i should have been, as therapists told me at rehab "you've been tied to a dying donkey for years." that'd make anyone depressed, and anxious too, especially if you have already been diagnosed by several professionals as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. basically i couldn't handle what was happening the last two years of my life in NYC and while i tried to mask it with pills, specifically xanax, the drugs stopped working and the universe finally knocked me on my ass at the end. literally. it sucks it got to that point, having grand mal seizures in Greece whilst walking down the sidewalk, but i needed something bad to happen to me... i had to hit some sort of bottom or i would've never taken my addiction seriously.

now, i'm grateful things went down as they did, because it provided me the opportunity to start over, in a way. and i think i'm finally confident enough in my abilities to learn again and acquire another job in the same field, preferably IT for the investment industry, seeing as their the ones who do the nice bonuses. to reboot my life, as it were. :) that's my motto.

in other news, i was hooked up with a long-sober dude through our psychotherapist, and i'm supposed to meet him tomorrow at an AA meeting at 1pm. this will be my first in NC. and i am a little unsure about it. i know everyone will be super nice and want to know what i'm about, but the thing i'm focused on having to deal with is GOD. AA has to do with a higher power, and while it can be anything you imagine, for a lot of people in the south, it's definitely GOD as in the Christian God. Jesus Christ. that i do not need, my friends. but i'm just going to suck it up and go, so i can say i at least gave it a shot in North Carolina. you never know! i've been to a meeting in NYC but they are of course very progressive there so it wasn't an issue.

hope you all are feeling well! xo.

7/11/11 01:11 pm - day 60 - 2 months

that title makes me want to hit my exclamation point repeatedly. i made it to sixty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited for myself. i kick ass. i cannot wait to know how ninety and one-twenty will feel.

my intention for the day is to set an example for others. and i do not want to limit that idea only in the way of sober living.


i did not sleep well. my mom's twelve-year-old dog is suffering from advanced hip displaysia. she is constantly whining in pain, especially in the wee hours of the night, and it is so very sad. it's not to the point where she needs to be put down yet, she can still walk and move around, but getting up and down from the floor is more and more difficult for her. i feel so selfish even saying that her whining keeps me up at night, but it does. moreover i wish the vet would give her something stronger than Rimadyl. yes that drug is controversial but she is not of the breed that has ever had issues with it. i would never let my GSD have Rimadyl but he is given Previcox which is basically the same thing, just newer with less side effects. but at any rate, i don't see why the veterinarian can't give her something stronger along the lines of opiates. she did give my mom something very strong, more potent than morphine even, but my mom isn't comfortable using it much since it just makes the dog sleep. she doesn't know whether it helps her pain or just knocks her out so she isn't a fan. and i get that. there just has to be something between these extremes that won't completely put her out but will make life more enjoyable.

i really despise my mother's veterinarian. she charges a $25 fee to fax any information to pet insurance companies my mom has policies with. WTF. vets should be more than willing to help their patients financially, especially when faxing records only requires a phone line and about a minute of 'labor'. seriously, how ridiculous is that? this is why i told my mom that if Whiskey had to go to the vet while i was gone for so long that to please take him to the other vet in town. it's a walk-in clinic and is less personal, but at least they aren't completely ABSURD with their care or lack thereof. for example, i need to get Whiskey more of those chewable Heartgard things to prevent heartworms. i called the vet i choose to use here and they don't want to allow me to purchase any without proof from my vet in NY that he's been on it before. i find that reasonable so i called my vet in Brooklyn and asked them to fax some records and a prescription for Heartgard which i can bring with me to the clinic here. they had no problem faxing that info whatsoever. that is an example of how veterinary care should be. my mother refuses to switch vets though. i just don't get it.



i'm currently on hold with the NY department of labor. despite showing up for the asinine resume workshop a week and a half ago, i still haven't received any payments. i was told the suspension of my claims was lifted when i was in the office so i'm perplexed as to why i'm not receiving any direct deposits. I NEED MONEY PEOPLE.


i didn't roll out of bed till 10:30am. i fed Whiskey, played fetch with him for a few minutes outside while i got the paper from the end of the driveway and brought up the trash and recycle bins, brushed my teeth, washed my face, made coffee, ate half a banana, blueberries, 2% milk and grapefruit juice, and am now procrastinating putting on makeup and getting dressed for my psychotherapy appointment at 2:30pm this afternoon. i'm not too sure what i have to discuss with my therapist today. i hate when i don't have a heck of a lot to say at my sessions. i feel like i'm wasting time, not to mention money. i can bitch about how fucking hot it is. it is painfully humid here. and that just gives me another excuse to not leave the comfort of my mother's AC.

i did make an appointment for another massage on Wednesday. i'm just going to keep whoring around the town's deep tissue therapists until i find one that has the perfect technique for my back and neck pain. the chick i saw in New York named Ann was AMAZING. the massage itself didn't feel like anything special but the following day i was sore all over, as if i'd had an intense full body circuit workout, and my back continued to loosen up for days after. she really knew what she was doing. i've got to be able to find that here.

alright. time to stop being lazy and make myself perty. good day folks.

7/9/11 12:14 am

so much for waking early for the AA meeting tomorrow morning. my mom's basement flooded and i'm going to be up for a long while moving things around. a clean-up crew will be here about 1am to suck up the water and then we'll be cleaning some more once they're gone. i'm trying to figure out why the universe threw this in my court but i have yet to figure out what opportunity may come about in my life as a result of this bullshit.

7/7/11 06:26 pm - day 55.

this day started out a little sour but things have gradually improved, up to what i'd consider a GREAT day. initially i was stood up by a therapist i was seeing for the second time. technically it was a miscommunication... i showed up at his Concord office when apparently he had made the appointment for the Charlotte location. he apologized but that didn't make up for the gas i wasted driving twenty minutes there and back. i rescheduled with him next week but i think i'm going to cancel with him altogether since i really like my counselor in Salisbury. i only need one psychotherapist after all.

i had another appointment an hour and a half later so i killed the time by shopping for cheap tops at Old Navy and Marshalls. i found several comfy, slouchy tees as well as some cute and trendy things before i stopped by Starbs and headed to the orthopedist. the bone scan i had last week turned up NOTHING so it is concluded that i have a soft tissue injury that is taking its sweet time healing. i am finally able to move around more and arch/stretch my back again so i think the prednisone the doc gave me last week did help a bit. i told him that today and he ordered a steroid injection to do the same thing the prednisone did but for a month or two without having to take pills. so, i had a big needle stuck in my ass and was sent on my way.

shortly thereafter i spoke with a recruiter who'd seen my resume on Monster. there is an open position at a finance company with an office in Charlotte as well as NJ and NY. the job is providing application support for a software package i worked with at the hedge fund, which is why they were interested in me. hello keyword search! the recruiting firm thinks i'm a good fit and i'll soon be having a phone interview with a man named Jim who is the would-be manager of the role. i'm feeling confident about the idea of this job since i have nothing to lose. if i get it, great! if not, who cares! it's a good position to be in going into an interview. though i don't like talking things like this because inevitably i start thinking about it too much, i get nervous and screw it up. so, i'm putting this on the back burner until i hear from them again. i'm willing to bet this is a good gig since the company has hired a recruiting firm to fill the position. it has been my experience that no good job is ever posted online... the great private sector jobs are found in exactly the manner i was just contacted today. it's also how i landed the job at Satellite.

anyhoo, i just showered and i feel a thousand times better from that alone. i cannot stand the summer for all sorts of reasons, the main one being that the time i spend bathing TRIPLES. i hate the way my skin gets once i've sweat in my clothes and then air-dried. GROSS.

tomorrow i have an eye exam and then i'll be looking for new frames. i have hated the glasses i have now from the moment i put them on after waiting a month for the prescription lenses. i picked out the expensive frames when i was jacked up on xanax and christ i have no idea what the hell i was thinking. they are a purple metal but are very thin and just NOT HOT. i want a new pair of trusty black plastic librarian-esque frames. i hope they do not take longer than a week to come in, especially if i may be going on an in-person interview soon.

7/6/11 07:13 pm - new buds?

I just signed up for meetup.com on the recommendation of my therapist. Since I did not exactly fall back in love with NYC on my shortened trip, apparently I'm going to be in NC for a while so I really need to meet new people and make some friends here. My parents and cousins and various other family are great and all, but they're also driving me a bit INSANE.

Have any of you ever used the aforementioned site? Or have any suggestions of other websites or ways to make new friends? It's really not easy for an introvert to become close to new people unless I get stuck in a situation such as last month at rehab. I made a new best friend because she was my roommate and we were sort of forced into the comradeship; it just so happened we also really liked one another and we clicked.

I still need to try out AA/NA but I am not counting on that venue to find people I'd like to hang with. On the bright side it seems the flexibility in my back is returning so I'll be able to get back into weight training. I'm sure I'll probably meet a few people at the YMCA or any gym I may join. But, yeah, any suggestions besides a book club would be very appreciated, dear readers.

Update... I found an AA meeting in town that actually isn't located in a church and the time on Saturday is specifically for newcomers. I suppose that's too perfect for my schedule to NOT attend. Damnit. But yes, it's high time I break my AA in NC cherry. My social anxiety will be cranked up full force. Getting out of this little comfort zone cocoon is precisely 99% of the point of this whole group thing for me anyway. Mothereffer.

7/6/11 06:28 pm - authenticity. i haz it.

Love this idea. I put one of the badges in my lj profile.

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